Why Your Spouse Won't Suddenly Start Eating Kale Just Because You Did

by Angie Petrie

 It’s a common question: “How do I get my partner, child, parent, or even my goldfish to change?” If there were a reward for every time this was asked, it would be enough for a permanent holiday. The reality, however, is that personal change is just that, personal. No matter how impressive your own transformation might be, or how many healthy recipes you introduce, others won’t suddenly feel inspired to do the same unless they’ve made that decision for themselves. 

Why Your Spouse Won't Suddenly Start Eating Kale Just Because You Did

 Change doesn’t happen by proximity. You might be at the gym five times a week, but your commitment won’t magically transfer to your loved one. Going to counselling, working on yourself, or sharing your new discoveries can be powerful for you, but it doesn’t mean others will follow suit. Ultimately, change is an internal process, each person holds the key to their own growth. While this may sound tough, it’s actually quite freeing. There’s no need to take on the responsibility of redesigning everyone else’s life. You can be a source of inspiration or encouragement, but at the end of the day, everyone must take their own steps towards change. 

Boundaries and Acceptance

 It’s only natural to want to share the things that have made a difference in your life, whether that’s a book, a podcast, or a talk. Sometimes, though, your enthusiasm isn’t matched, your loved one might glance at the book you recommend and then use it as a coaster. If they’re not interested, it’s best to accept it. Forcing someone to change doesn’t work. When someone’s behaviour becomes difficult to manage, boundaries are essential. If, for example, a family member repeatedly offers unsolicited advice, a polite but firm response such as, “Thanks for your suggestion, I’ll work it out,” can help maintain your peace of mind. When the issue comes up again, remember: you can only control your own reaction. 

Embracing Autonomy

 If you notice yourself blaming others (or even inanimate objects) for your own reluctance to change, it’s worth reflecting inward. True autonomy means taking responsibility for your own actions and allowing others to do the same. In the end, that might just be the superpower you’ve been searching for. 

Let Them: The Book, the Meme, the Way of Life

Now, allow me to introduce you to the magical concept that’s taken over T-shirts, key rings, and few tattoos too: “Let Them.” Inspired by Mel Robbins, is the ultimate stress-buster for those with overzealous advice-giving tendencies or relationship boundary woes. It’s simple, really. 

If someone’s going to take offence at something you’ve apologised for, let them. If your mate insists on queue-jumping at the coffee shop, let them, you remain where your inner values hold you to your truth. It’s about freeing yourself from the exhausting role of Personal Behaviour Police and focusing on your own joy. 

Of course, there’s an art to “letting them.” It’s not about becoming a doormat or bottling up resentment until you explode. It’s about setting gentle boundaries: “If you insist on telling me about your conspiracy theories during every Sunday roast, I’ll be moving dessert to the lounge.” You give yourself, and others, the space to be themselves. 

"Let them and let me ...." Mel says

The boundaries act as a support framework for your personal values, knowing your values and supporting yourself to implement them can make all the difference to how you choose change for yourself and let others be responsible for their world. Obviously this is personal work, read Mel's book for more information or find a counsellor you can trust to do the work with.

And if you spot spinach on a friend’s teeth or a rogue price tag dangling from someone’s jumper? If it can be fixed in five seconds, tell them, kindness is the name of the game. If not, let them. We’re all just muddling through, after all. So here’s to letting them, to liberating yourself from the weight of other people’s choices, and to being the hero in your own story. 

Change is yours to claim and who knows, maybe the rest will catch up.