Reflections from the Counsellor’s Chair

by Angie Petrie

Welcome to “The Great Control Illusion”

 Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable; this is a conversation we all need to have. In my years as a professional counsellor, one simple truth keeps cropping up in countless forms: we all crave control, yet so often what we’re gripping onto is more illusion than reality. Today, let’s unravel why we’re so drawn to the idea of being in control, how it can trip us up, and where we might find some freedom. 

The Allure of Control

 From the moment our feet hit the floor in the morning, we start making plans. “Today I’ll do X, and then Y will surely follow.” It’s comforting to believe we’re the captains of our own ships, but are we really steering, or just adjusting the sails as the wind dictates? As the legendary psychologist Carl Jung once said, “I am not what happened to me; I am what I choose to become.” This quote speaks to agency, but it doesn’t guarantee mastery over the storms of life. In fact, many of the things that shape us most, losses, illnesses, and the actions of others, arrive on our doorstep uninvited. This morning, although I had planned to complete some work, including emails and new training materials, I ended up spending time in the garden, making small household adjustments, and supporting my parents on a couple of things. Suddenly, it was 11 am and time for a break. 

The Perception of Control: A Sneaky Illusion

 When we feel in control, our anxiety tends to shrink. But what happens when the world reminds us, quite rudely, that so much is beyond our reach? The Stoic philosopher Epictetus wisely noted, “Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” Modern psychology echoes this ancient wisdom: the sense of control is a powerful balm, but it is often a mirage. Studies show we routinely overestimate our influence over outcomes (ever pressed the “close door” button on an elevator and felt a surge of accomplishment?). This “illusion of control” helps us cope but can also set us up for disappointment and stress. 

Obsession with Control: How It Shows Up in Counselling

 I’d be lying if I said I don’t have my own battles with control, especially as a counsellor. There are days I ache to “fix” things for my clients, as if I could hand them a map and say, “Here’s the way out.” But people are not puzzles to be solved, and life refuses to follow the script I sometimes secretly wish it would. In sessions, I often catch myself subtly steering the conversation, eager for that breakthrough moment. Yet the most profound healing occurs when I let go, when I trust the process, the wisdom of the client, and the unpredictable journey of growth. I remind myself, as Viktor Frankl wrote, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Control, it turns out, is not just a client issue; it’s a human issue. My own urge to manage and direct is an invitation to practice acceptance, patience, and humility. 

Why Do We Cling So Tightly?

 Let’s face it, life’s unpredictability can be scary. When things feel chaotic, controlling what we can (or think we can) gives us comfort. But when the need for control becomes obsessive, when we believe we must manage every outcome, we become rigid, anxious, and sometimes even exhausted. Consider the words of Alan Watts: “The more a thing tends to be permanent, the more it tends to be lifeless.” Attempts to solidify and control every detail can sap the vitality from our lives. 

Letting Go: An Invitation to Freedom

 So what’s the alternative? Surrendering control isn’t about apathy or giving up; it’s about recognising what is (and isn’t) truly ours to influence. It’s about holding our plans with open hands and meeting each moment as it comes. 

In my own counselling work, the most transformative sessions are those where both client and counsellor allow themselves to be surprised. When we stop obsessing over controlling the outcome, we create space for genuine connection, creativity, and healing. 

Circle of control image and invitation to experience.

Practices for Embracing Uncertainty

• Mindful Awareness: Notice when you’re grasping for control. What feelings are underneath: fear, uncertainty, vulnerability?
• Distinguish Influence from Control: Ask yourself, "What can I truly influence right now?" "What do I need to let be?"
• Compassion for Yourself: Remember, it’s human to seek control when life feels wild. Be gentle with yourself.
• Embrace “Good Enough”: Sometimes progress, not perfection, is the best outcome.
• Try exploring imaginative creativity to allow the brain to let go of control; watercolour flowing across a page with no purpose or Indian ink blots creating their own image as you watch.

Final Thoughts: The Freedom Beyond Control

If you find yourself obsessing over every detail, take heart, you’re in good company. Control feels safe, but life’s beauty often emerges from the unexpected. From one fellow control enthusiast to another: loosen your grip, trust the current, and marvel at where it takes you. 

And, as the poet Rainer Maria Rilke reminds us, 

“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.” 

Here’s to letting go, together.